It seemed like I would jump right this very time to catch the last flight to Jakarta. But I didn't do it tho'. Something kept my feet on the ground of Euphony.
And everytime I come to church lately, I feel really guilty to my family.
Guilty with no reason.
Oh yes off course, (sighed....) with reason. Many reasons.
It started out when my godfather passed away last month. A sudden shock for me and for the big family as well. And after that, an array of unfortunate situations came to the family.
And I can't do anything.
I ran to GOD. I come to church more often than before. I pray longer than usual. I cry more tears than I used to do. I seek for GOD's help. I seek for GOD's answer. And on the while, I keep thinking a lot about my family. And it's bothering me even more than before.
--------
I told my man over dinner just now.
I told him that if something forces us for not being together anymore, it won't be because I don't love him anymore. GOD knows I love him now and then. My man is my first love. My first in everything... From him I learn about life and love. From him I learn about faith. He is the one who learn me how to pray, how to love GOD unconditionally, how to let things happen according to GOD's plan.
But it's because I don't have any choices.
And also it's not because I want to be with somebody else.
Not being with my man doesn't mean I will be with the other. I will probably be just by myself.
But at least I don't have to live a lie anymore... because it's not easy for me.
To mas Ade, I know you're reading this with complicated heart and messed mind. But I'm saying this in advance to anticipate what will come in the future. And I know and you know that we know what this is all about. Let's just hope and pray that won't happen to us so we can be together for the rest our lives.
