Never Looked Back

Inspired by the priest's speech this Sunday mass, I have been thinking about all the things in my life.

As for the church, maybe I never be ready to be part of them. For the 29 years (almost!) I had never had any church activities in my schedule. Yes, I always go to church every Sunday and some for weekdays masses, but that's all I do, I'm just being a regular Catholic. The reason why I never take part of any of the activities is just because I'd like to stay as invisible as I can. That's also why I like to go to church beyond my parish so people won't recognize me at all. In the place where I come from - in this case, is Jakarta - church people (parishioners) are very annoying, they think that they are the most religious people on earth and if they see someone cries in the pray, they will think that this person is a big sinner. And I always cry every week in church. But that doesn't mean that I'm a big sinner! Well maybe I am, but sometimes I cry because I'm happy and overjoy in church. Too bad they cannot recall whether it's a cry for happiness or sadness or regrets. Damn them. In Singapore, the thing I love most is the church. The place where I can pray anytime I want and people won't care if I cry or not. And I sometimes see people crying too. So we share the same experience. In Jakarta I almost never caught people crying. Maybe they are too embarassed to cry. I don't know. Hearing today homily, which is referred to Luke 9: 51-62, if we want to follow Jesus, we have to be ready of everything, have a commitment with Him and be His disciple not only a volunteer.

In many aspects of life, we face many things that require a commitment and decision. Sometimes we are satisfied with our decision, but often we regret it and look back, and start to think "as if". Yes, as if. As if I were a .... . As if I did that instead of this. As if and too many as ifs. Too many as ifs I tell myself this nowadays, and the reason why I say that is because I'm denying my commitments and always looking back.

I should never looked back.

Same thing with a marriage. Once we commit to get married, speak our vows in front of GOD, we should be ready to take all the consequences, no regrets, and never looked back. No as ifs.

I cannot count how many times my man asks me to marry him. But I always tell him that I'm not ready yet. I'm a kind of person who is, frankly speaking, loyal and very committed. I'm afraid to say yes because I'm afraid of not being loyal and committed to what I have said and vowed to GOD. Sounds too cliche but it's true. My man is a very loving person, and I'm somehow very happy with him. He loves doing small things for me. Small thing counts. And I love him for doing that. But why it's hard for me to be ready for a marriage? There's no family history in me of failure marriage or similar, even my parents are happily married. They love each other very very much, and I love them even more because of that.

So why?

Back again to the priest's homily. GOD has given us choices, He has freed us from slavery, He gave a choice to live a better live. And the choice is mine to choose. But once I made a choice, never ever looked back...